What's Love Got to Do With It?

What happens when you commit to writing three things you value about yourself every day for 30 days? Did I mention they all have to be different and you need to start over if you miss a day? I embarked on this experiment with about 25 other brave folks during the month of October and it was everything you could imagine…hard, annoying, fascinating and amazing.I think of myself as someone who has a healthy sense of self. I generally feel good about who I am and how I show up in the world. Don’t get me wrong; I have my bouts of self-loathing and “what the hell just came out of your mouth?” moments. But for the most part I view my life as balanced, full, and sometimes even magical. I thought this little 30-day experiment was going to be relatively benign, and it was, for a while. I moderated the Facebook group where my co-experimenters shared their experiences and encouraged each other to keep going. On day one, as a group we were enthusiastic and tentative, but by the end of the first week several people confessed to me privately that they were having a hard time coming up with more things they valued about themselves. Other told me they were worried they were going to become egotistical if they engaged in this exercise. The experiment was doing what it was supposed to do – it was stirring shit up.I wasn’t having too hard of a time coming up with things I valued about myself and secretly I felt pleased that I clearly feel good about myself. I wrote in detail about my open heart, good mothering, and courageous leadership, and then on day 21, I hit a wall. I literally could not think of a single other thing I valued about myself. It got even worse when I realized I was supposed to find 30 MORE things about myself I valued! I was really committed to this experiment (not to mention I really didn’t want to start over), so I went back and re-read the first 60 things I had written and realized not a single one of them was about my body or my appearance. Some could say my lack of “vainness” was good on some level, but to me it revealed a deeper issue - when it came to my body, I was lacking self-love.Nearly everyone who participated in this experiment hit his or her own wall at different times. That wall forced us to come face to face with the choice of continuing to reject an aspect of ourselves or to love that aspect. When I came to that fork in the road for myself, it was a truly powerful moment to choose to self-love over self-loathing.I’ve heard a lot of spiritual teachers say you need to love yourself before you can truly love others, so what happened next shouldn’t have been that surprising, but it was still a remarkable experience. After I moved through my wall of self-loathing, the way I was engaging with everything else in my life shifted. I spontaneously felt less judgmental of others. (My husband is most happy about this one!) I felt more compassion for everyone I interacted with because in looking for things I valued about myself, I naturally looked for things in others. Sometimes my heart felt like it might literally burst open. I didn’t go down the street telling everyone I loved them, but at some level I felt like I did. Then seemingly “out of the blue” I landed a project I had been dreaming about for some time, lost weight without “trying” (a first!), and felt more rested and productive all at the same time.I invite you to give this experiment a try. The guidelines are simple: write 3 three things you value about yourself each day for 30 days. Each item must be unique. If you miss a day, start over. The rules may be simple, but like anything that’s worth it, it’s not particularly easy.What’s love got to do it with? Everything. As it turns out, the most effective way to improve your sense of well-being is by not trying to get “rid” of negative thoughts or feelings. Instead, flood your system with self-love and acceptance and see what naturally happens in the course of 30 days. You might just be surprised!